Better Out Than In - or So They Say! | Life Love and Hiccups: Better Out Than In - or So They Say!
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Wednesday 13 February 2013

Better Out Than In - or So They Say!

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I learned a very valuable lesson today - always read the fine print .... even if it is on the side of a little tin of mints.

In case you missed yesterday's post, I am currently at a conference for work on the Gold Coast and all day yesterday we sat in a ballroom and watched as our marketers presented our brand plans for the coming year.

I don't know about you but for me, it doesn't matter how entertaining and schmick the presentations are, I can't help but get a little edgy sitting in the one place for too long. I usually end up amusing myself with little random activities to distract from the fact that because I have been sitting still for so long - I no longer have any feeling in any limbs below my torso.

Today I sucked on mints. I was challenging myself to see if I could suck on the one mint the whole way through a single presentation.

In case you are wondering, and even if you're not I am totally going to tell you anyway  - one mint doesn't last that long. Not for me anyway.

You see there I was merrily sucking away ..... ON MY MINT people, and then the temptation would get too much and I would crunch that little sucker up with my teeth.


So then I would open the tin, grab another mint and start all over again.

I did this all morning until finally after yet another failed attempt at my random musing, I reached for another mint only to find my tin was empty.

I had eaten the WHOLE damn tin.

I didn't think too much about it until after lunch when once again all 140 delegates piled back into the ballroom for the afternoon presentations. I took my seat and now completely mintless I focused all my attention to the people on stage.

And then it started and by "it' I am referring to the farting or more precisley the farting that was coming from my own bum.

It began with just a little fluff that snuck its way out. It took me totally by surprise as there was no warning. You know the type of fluff I am talking about - the one that just suddenly goes "meep" when you are mid laugh or doing something equally as unsuspecting. The one that everyone around you usually hears but pretends they didnt.

Thankfully it was completely odourless and I began to relax a little.


DAMN IT! - another one escaped.

This time the person in the seat next to me started to fidget and I was certain that I had been sprung this time.

I sat up as straight as I could and did what any self respecting woman in a room full of colleagues and company directors would do ...... I held those farts in as if my life depended on it.

After about half an hour my guts started to protest. My stomach began to bloat and I had images in my head of me imploding in front of all my peers and the cause of death on my death certificate was going to read She died from holding in her farts. Oh the Shame!

At that point I decided a trip to the bathroom was definitely in order and I made a beeline for the exit.

If anyone paid close attention they would have noticed I was walking more awkwardly than normal as I attempted to avoid anymore public meeping.

I made it to the bathroom where once I was in the safety of a cubicle I let it rip and then rip some more before finally I sat there in there with a goofy smile on my face and enjoyed the blissful relief of having just let it all out.

And then I heard it - a polite little cough from somewhere in the bathroom.

CRAP!!! CRAP CRAP CRAP - I had company.

I sat there for ages waiting for the sound of flushing that would tell me my company would soon be exiting the bathroom and it would be safe for me to come out of my cubicle. Only there was no flushing to be heard at all. Zip Zilch.

The only sound was the sound of paper unwrapping and cubicle doors opening and shutting.

Damn it - my company was a cleaner.

I waited for a few more minutes before finally coming to the conclusion I had to get out of there. I was worried that my absence from the conference room would be mistaken as me wagging or equally as bad - the cleaner was going to think I was some weirdo doing totally weird things in the toilet stall and would report me and then I would have to confess to everyone why I was hiding in there.

And so with my head held high and a false bravado that came with convincing myself that perhaps the cleaner hadn't heard my gassy symphony, I left the safety of my cubicle.

Judging by the smile on the cleaner's face and the fact she wouldnt make eye contact with me, I knew she had heard every . single . meep.

Later that day after I discovered that EVERYONE except me seemed to know that excessive consumption of Eclipse mints MAY have a laxative effect.

OK fair enough, but no where on the tin does it say it MAY lead to excessive farting and complete and utter mortification ....... although I guess one naturally lends itself to the other doesnt it?

Who knew that something as inncocent as a packet of mints comes with fine print.

Have you ever farted in public and completely humiliated yourself?
If you haven't, please just say you have anyway so I feel a little better about myself.