Wednesday 13 March 2013

Husband and Wife Bed Games

That title got your attention didn't it? And now I'm guessing you are expecting me to reveal a whole host of kinky bedtime shenanigans.

Well Shenanigans I will share, but kinky? Not unless you find animals and children conspiring to deprive you of sleep the ultimate turn on.

hmmmm not so much right?

Conveniently, in our household I am a very heavy sleeper and my hubby sleeps very lightly.

I stay up late and sleep like a log in the mornings, whilst he falls asleep early and is awake at a sparrows fart.  This is very fortunate for him because if he has to get up for an early morning loo break, its a case of you snooze you lose - or more so the case of you get up you lose your position in the bed.

Those dogs of ours are opportunists and happen to love a warm posi on the bed, so if you are silly enough to get up, well you pretty much have buckleys of getting your spot back. I of course am blissfully ignorant to this early morning game between my husband and the dogs because I prefer to hold on until my bladder is at bursting point rather than leave my warm cocoon and give up even a minute of my precious sleep.

We discovered very early on in our relationship that our marriage is a whole lot healthier if I am not woken early if it can at all be avoided.

Carl (bless his gorgeous heart) wakes me every morning with a hot cup of coffee. I know special right? I'd like to think he is doing it out of love, but the cynic in me thinks that maybe he believes it is a safer way to wake me because I am less likely to punch him if he is holding a hot cuppa. I am well aware that punching the Love of my life sounds completely immoral and awful, but I'm sorry to say I'd probably slug Mother Theresa if she was in the unfortunate position of having to wake me. I don't discriminate.

If it's not the dogs in our house taking up valuable bed space and depriving us of some precious zzzzzzzs - it's the kids. They call out through the night because they need to go to the toilet and simply cannot go alone OR they need to be tucked in AGAIN at freaking 3am!

The one thing both the hubby and I are very good at however is pretending we are asleep when we hear the kids cry out through the night. It usually becomes a battle of the wills as to who can hold out the longest. If you can ignore the calls long enough, you get to stay snug in bed whilst the other one gets up and tends to the kids.

My tactic is to keep my eyes firmly shut and throw in a little muffled snore to prove I really am fast asleep ... or at least pretending to be.

He likes to mumble incoherent nonsense about how Gary has the keys and he'll give them back in the morning so I have to wait. Who the Frig is Gary???

After 22 years I still cant tell if he is genuinely asleep or is just a really good faker. My husband that is ... not Gary!

I have been known however to resort to devious methods to avoid being the one to have to get up in the middle of the night, especially in the depths of winter and it's really warm in our bed.

I usually start by tickling his lips with my fingernails, just gently enough to be subtle, but hard enough to mimic a fly or mosquito landing on his lips and wake him.

If that fails I go for a more extreme tactic where I pluck a strand of hair from the hubby's head.

Just one.

OK plus maybe a few extras that get caught up unintentionally as I grab at his head.

Usually a quick stealth attack on my part is enough to wake him up so he can hear the calls of our children. Then off course I quickly roll over and resume the pretending to be fast asleep pose, thus avoiding the need to leave the warmth of my blankies.

All the mouth tickling and head plucking is done with much love of course. Well as much love as I can muster at 3am.

Ummmm now that I read back through this I have come to the conclusion that I really am a moron aren't I? I mean I just publicly admitted to my less than desirable wifing and parenting techniques AND totally shot myself in the foot whilst I was at it.

I'm guessing I'm on night duty for a while now.

But just hypothetically, if I did happen to actually shoot myself in the foot does that mean I am physically incapable of getting up and therefore excused from 3am toilet and bed tucking duties?

COME ON - Clearly I like my sleep!

Who attends to the children in the middle of the night in your house?
Got any other avoidance strategies I can borrow?