I was so touched when so many of you emailed me with your own very special stories and experiences of walking this path and so I wanted to give you an update with where I am at with it.
I'm not.... with it I mean.
7 weeks into it I have come to the conclusion that I'm not really coping and that I need to rethink the whole situation.
I've argued with myself for 2 weeks over it, telling myself that things will get better or at least easier and that this is just normal par for the course.
But a little voice inside my head refuses to shut up. I'll be driving somewhere, anywhere, nowhere in particular and sadness will just wash over me for no reason. And there's this little voice telling me "This isn't right Sonia."
I've been lying in bed at night until the wee hours unable to turn my brain off and the whole time that little voice is saying to me "I'm telling you, this isn't how it should be".
I have thrown myself into work. Long looooong hours, just like the hours I left behind me when I walked away from the Corporate world earlier this year, using it as a distraction to take my mind off the bigger issues. And I'm all "I know I KNOW" to the voice.
Last week when all THAT drama went down, I knew I was taking it much harder than I should and days later when I was still so upset about it all, the voice shook it's head at me and impatiently tapped it's foot. I think I stuck my finger up at it and dived back into work.
But then as I stood on the shoreline last week and watched the ocean doing it's thing I realised that this isn't living. This sad mopey tired existence isn't life and that voice inside that won't shut up isn't just some random voice .... it's me, just me and at that moment I admitted to myself that things aren't really so OK after all.
As a mother I asked myself what would I say to my children if they ever came to me with this dilemma?
I didn't have to think for long as I already knew the answer.
I would tell them to let the sun shine in how ever they need to.
And so we change direction again and I go back onto the meds for a while ... or forever. Whatever.
You only get one life and I want to live it, like really REALLY live it. Every . single . precious . moment.
Last night my husband and I sat there laughing at a video of those moronic mutts of ours (it's on my Facebook page if you want a good giggle) and we laughed and laughed and watched it again and laughed some more, until we were both crying and I was crossing my legs to prevent any other part of me crying too.
OMG it felt SO good.
In future I am not going to let pride or ego or fear block that sunshine from filling me up and feeding my soul.
That's what life is about isn't it? Feeding the Soul.
I know you are not supposed to go there but can I just say I am so so sorry I haven't been responding to comments lately or doing much blog visiting these past few weeks. But I just want you to know that I read every single message and they truly make me smile and I am looking forward to catching up on what you have all been up to this weekend.