A Thursday Throw Back of the Most Mortifying Kind | Life Love and Hiccups: A Thursday Throw Back of the Most Mortifying Kind
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Thursday 16 March 2017

A Thursday Throw Back of the Most Mortifying Kind

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Clearly this is not me - I think I'm about to embarrass myself enough without photos!

I was driving home from doing a whole bunch of errands this morning, when out of the blue at a round-a-bout in the pouring rain - I had a flash back to being 13 and in high school and probably one of the most socially awkward crime scenes I have experienced... at my own hands.

I have no idea what prompted this memory, it literally just flew at me out of no where and there I was grimacing and knuckle clenching the steering wheel as I drove home via memory lane.

I'm going to share this memory with you because... well let's face it, all good embarrassing memories deserve to be shared right? Besides, I figure we all have dorky skeletons in our closets and so you may as well cringe with me and fully understand the level of dorkiness you are dealing with here.

Righty oh, as I mentioned, I was 12 or 13 and in high school, it was year seven from memory although I'm not positive about that but I am just assuming that it HAD to be year seven because surely I would have had more social pride by the time I got to year eight.

I was best friends with this girl who was on the brink of popularity. By that I mean that she had been 'noticed' by the cool crowd but hadn't yet been invited to join them.

She had a really unusual name, exotic I guess you could call it and she was a fabulous dancer... I thought so anyway but given I have always been about as graceful as sack of potatoes falling off the back of wagon I'm probably not the best one to judge grace... but anyway.

My friend had this most amazing long mane of dark blond hair that she would flick around in one of those true to eighties style dance moves and she and I would get around by day in our 'uniform' of sparkly spandex dance tights, an over sized white men's business shirt and a tie.


We were SO on trend back then *ahem*. Think about that 'Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun' movie and what they wore and you are picturing us ladies... at least that's what we were aiming for anyway.

Our 'Uniform' back then

I'm kinda rabbiting now aren't I?

I hear you - "Get to the point of the story Sonia... the really embarrassing bit you promised us".

Alright, alright... I'm getting there, I'm just setting the scene for you.

One night we were in her bedroom and making up dances in front of her mirrored wardrobe as was our usual sleepover ritual, when my friend announced that she was going to enter the talent quest at school.

"Yes! that's such a cool idea" I declared assuming that I would of course be a part of this dance extravaganza.

She eyeballed me with a look that clearly said... "you and I both know that you can't dance for shit Sonia, please don't do this". Trust me, she was right and of course I agreed with her about my dancing ability, I mean I had to because let's face it - I sucked, but I so badly wanted to be a part of this and I was sure that with some coaching she could get me up to speed.

Kudos to her, my friend tried to get me there... but alas, just like you can't make an onion taste like a strawberry, you can't make a Klutz like me into a dancer.

Ahhhhh, if only someone took me by the shoulders and slapped some reality into me back then.

So we signed up for the talent quest at school.

Oh gawd, you can see where this is going right?

Maybe there is a really GOOD reason I blocked this from my memory for all these years.

As the day of the talent quest drew closer I struggled with learning the moves of the dance. Heck I just struggled with the dancing full stop. My friend was all liquidy and stealth and could do those slinky hip movements with ease... me on the other hand was about as liquidy and stealth as the tin man pre lube job.

The night before the show we came to the conclusion that our current format was just not going to cut it, we both couldn't do the dancing part of the ummm 'dance' and so upon my insistence I was designated another very important role in the performance.

Yeah... wait for it!

Morning broke on the day of the talent quest and I excitedly (and in hindsight completely moronically) packed my uniform of shiny spandex and my dad's best white business shirt into my school bag.

We stood outside the hall where the talent quest was taking place and man we were amped. Our fringes were teased to perfection and we were sure that this was our moment, and after this everyone was going to want to hang out with us.

Well I was sure... admittedly my friend repeatedly asked me if I really wanted to go through with this.

Pfft... der yeah!

Our music cued and we jogged into the room, my friend moving perfectly in time with the music and wowing everyone with her grace and style... and me...?

Uhhhhh well let's just say I wowed everyone but not for the same reason as my friend.

Whilst she danced I performed my part of the act (KILL ME NOW) which entailed me lumbering around in the background attempting cartwheels and headstands and waving my arms at my friend like some coked up Price is Right model presenting a free washing machine.

I should probably tell you at this point that my cartwheels skills were NO better than my dancing skills and as for my head stands?

Well the few times that I managed to get my feet in the air I drew gasps from the crowd... but I'm pretty sure they were gasping at the sight of my ass in my sparkly spandex being shoved in their faces and nothing else.

It was social suicide.

WHAT THE FUCK was I thinking?

I don't actually know how I slept that night... or ever again.

After our disastrous debut, my best friend and her cool moves and mane of hair was embraced by the cool crowd. I of course was delegated to social pariah courtesy of my humiliating performance and I was forced to abandon my sparkly spandex for good... at least until the next talent quest rolled around and fresh new blood arrived to humiliate themselves and I was forgotten about.

I have NO idea why this memory chose today to surface some twenty *cough cough* years later. i have NO idea why I chose to put myself through all that either but the good news is - I can now laugh at it... all be it with a red face and toes curling in humiliation at the replaying footage in my head.

Thankfully my kids have shown no interest in taking part in talent quests as I don't know if I could cope with them laughing at me if I was forced to retell this story to them out of 'duty of care'.

Have you ever done anything like this to humiliate yourself?
Got any cringe worthy memories that you might care to share with us for our entertainment?