Things I left On The Birthing Table and Other Atrocities | Life Love and Hiccups: Things I left On The Birthing Table and Other Atrocities
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Thursday 30 May 2013

Things I left On The Birthing Table and Other Atrocities

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I thought about setting up my tripod to take a photo of myself as I re-enact a birthing scene. But thank God I came to my senses and decided to give you that picture instead.

So today I wanna chat to you, mother to mother, woman to woman, fellow potential psych ward roomie to roomie.

Remember that day you rocked up to the hospital to give birth, and you were hoping to receive the BIGGEST gift ever - a healthy baby?

*Nodding head* Yeah you remember right.

Have you ever stopped for a moment and spared a thought to what you actually left behind on the birthing table that day? You know, asides from your placenta and possibly bucket loads of your insides.

I do.


There is something, some event, some chaotic hair pulling moment in most days that remind me of EXACTLY what I handed over the day I gave birth to my first beautiful baby boy.

Take for example my sanity.

I emptied all pockets and hidden supplies to find every last skerrick and I just handed it all on over. I was naive, I had no idea what fate awaited my sanity, but I'm pretty sure it was thrown out in a Kidney dish along with my dignity and my ability to ever pee alone again.

When I sneeze, or laugh or God forbid run to the aid of an injured child, I am reminded that I checked my bladder control at the door of the birthing suite.

I gave up all entitlement of ever eating a meal to myself, drink a can of soft drink without backwash contribution, or consume a Mars Bar without having to cut it up into pieces that are measured precisely to each mm to ensure no one gets a bigger bite than anyone else.

I handed over restful nights in exchange for midnight visitors, monster duty and and toilet patrol.

I got a total bargain (NOT) in the looks department. I traded in a wrinkle free face and got TONS of worry lines, frown lines and grey hairs in return.

Oh and let's not forget that moment I bid a fond farewell to my flat stretch mark free stomach.

OK I lie, I gave up that stomach the moment I took my first sip of a Pina Colada.


I knew there was a catch when I received those Bounty Bags full of bum cream samples and nursing pads at my first sonogram.

Those companies marketing executives KNEW what we were pregnant woman were in for and so they were all "Oh those poor suckers, lets give them loads of free shit to take their mind of what they are giving up". And then they all stood around their coffee machines and had a good laugh at our expense because they also KNEW that by the time we were screaming to "GET IT OUT" and BEGGING for epidurals, we would HAVE no minds to even think about what we were giving up.

Don't get me wrong. I feel incredibly blessed in that I did get 3 beautiful healthy boys, but I am pretty sure I didn't sign up for the optional extras that came with them - like attitude, smelly feet and the ability to drown me in a single days worth of laundry.

What did you hand over at the Maternity check in - that was never to be seen again?
What Optional Extras did your kids come with?