What I DON'T Want Anyone to Find After I'm Gone! | Life Love and Hiccups: What I DON'T Want Anyone to Find After I'm Gone!
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Wednesday 9 May 2012

What I DON'T Want Anyone to Find After I'm Gone!

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As I lay in bed last night waiting for sleep to work its magic on my tired mind and body, I got to thinking about this - if I suddenly carked it and someone had to sort through all my stuff, what wouldn't I want them to find amongst my precious belongings I leave behind?

I know right! Not really very relaxing thoughts to drift off to sleep to, but sometimes my mind takes me places and well I just tag along to see where it is going.

This train of thought did however get me really thinking about the contents of boxes and drawers where I have over the years stashed stuff away with the intention of sorting through it one day.

And then it struck me, what if I wasn't the one to get to sort through it all first. What wonders would someone have the pleasure of finding? Oh Crap! I wouldn't want anyone to find that, or that and hells bells - no not that!

So this weekend I have decided to do a bit of a sort out and chuck out, not cause I think I am going anywhere, but you know, just so I can sleep a little easier at night.

These are just some of the things I know I have stashed away and needless to say, these are some of the first things I am getting rid off.

  • First on my list is the 11 year old positive pregnancy test stick. I don't know what I was really thinking by keeping that. Did I think that one day I was going to pass on a 30 or 40 year old prehistoric wee stained pee stick to my grandchildren and say Oh look here is something I kept from when your father was conceived ?????
  •  I have to sort through the million and one scraps of paper shoved in a shoe box, that I have written affirmations on over the years. One really doesn't need to read a note written by me pleading with the universe to give me perkier boobs and a smaller bum.
  • Oh yeah then there's the crochet white bikini from my 16 year old self that I have been hanging on to in the hope that one day I might magically transform into a version of Bo Derek and I can strut my stuff on a tropical island. The reality is my bum would eat the size 10 bikini bottoms for breakfast and the top would scarcely cover my nipples. Sorry Bo, you're on your own hun and no dear hubby, I am not trying it on tonight for your amusement.
  • There's the matter of the blue dolphin vibrator tucked away in my undie draw in a a pink silk bag that I may or may not have been talked into buying at a friends party. Hey nothing against dolphins or vibrators but a blue dolphin vibrator.... Really??
  •  And what to do with the letter from my best friend when I was thirteen, matter of factly informing me that we have to be best friends on a schedule basis and that I can have Mondays and Saturdays. She had put a lot of thought into this time share because you see she had two other friends that she needed to think of and after a lot of thought she felt that dividing up the week was really the only fair way of managing things..... The letter itself is not actually why I hung on to it, though it is quite a keepsake - no it was because of the awesome drawing I did of her on the back of the letter with pointy boobs, bonus horns and a beard. To top it off, the picture is decorated with every swear word my naive thirteen year old self knew - just in case I needed it for future reference. I knew some tough words back then - I'm telling you in those days mole and skanky ho packed a punch!
  • Heaven forbid if my kids ever got their hands on my diary from when I was 16 and was discovering the world. The 'Are you There God it's me Margaret' style of writing makes me totally cringe and this diary in the hands of my children would be a complete disaster. It would be like a signed permission slip for them to run wild..... cause it's ok, according to the diary - Mum did! 
  • I know that in my bedside drawer is my food diary that I managed to keep for all of 3 weeks last winter. No one really needs to know I secretly binged on Cheetos and Top Deck chocolate and ate a whole packet of Weight Watchers cookies in one sitting when I was supposed to be eating steamed veggies and brown rice....oh crap I just told you didn't I? I only kept it because I liked the notebook design, but the least I could do would be rip the few used pages out and give it a second chance at life. 
  • And whilst we are on the topic of bedside drawers and secret binges I must remember to get rid of the empty Trolly Lolly packet and Christmas fudge wrappers, especially since I worked so hard to convince the kids that I had no idea where they all disappeared to.
I have decided that I will personally dispose of everything myself though, most likely with the aid of fires and deep ditches. Not only will this give me the satisfaction that comes with such purging, it's also a bit of a security measure. Because the last time I decided to do a declutter and created a chuck box, my husband kindly put a pair of little pink 'fun balls' I was given from the same adult toy party the blue buzzing mammal may have come from, into the Good Will bag to go to Vinnies. Don't worry they were still pristine in their packet as I never actually figured out what to do with them until after they were gone and a friend enlightened me.

To say I was mortified at my husbands actions would be putting it lightly, though I do so love the idea that someone bought them and like me had no idea what they are really used for and now use them as a decorations for their Christmas tree.

Do you have any Christmas decorations lurking in your undie drawer?
What would you hate anyone to discover after you're gone?
Wanna be my best friend? - You can have Wednesdays and Fridays!