The Ache That Won't Go Away. | Life Love and Hiccups: The Ache That Won't Go Away.

Monday, 10 March 2014

The Ache That Won't Go Away.

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Lately I have found myself staring at stranger's babies for far longer than I normally would. It has even gotten to the point I sneak a peek at them out of the corner of my eye whilst I am pretending to look at my phone... you know just in case the poor parent or carer gets nervous and thinks that I am some kind of weird stalker lady who is planning to snatch their baby away from them and make for the hills.

Their cute chubby legs, their gummy grins and the big beautiful eyes staring at their Mum and Dad just sucks me in every . single . time.

I have had phases where I have felt clucky before but nothing ever quite as bad as this.

It's at the point that when those cute baby ads come on TV I find myself stopping whatever I am doing and staring with this awkward kind of wistful / agonised / soppy / sobby expression on my face.

I am blessed with 3 beautiful boys and yet there is a part of me that still desperately longs for the family of 5 kids I always imagined. I'll also admit that I desperately ache for a little girl, a little mini me and honestly I don't know if that ache will ever subside.

I know that all this probably sounds extremely ungrateful for those who are struggling to have their first child and please know that after numerous miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy I am so far from ungrateful for the blessings I have.

But yet I still yearn for more.

A few years ago my hubby agreed that we would try for one more but after a particularly eventful drive home from school one day which resulted in me pulling in the driveway in frustrated tears caused by arguing kids, I went to my hubby with my tail between my legs and told him I'd had a change of heart.

My accident and subsequent depression robbed me of so much as a mother when my younger two were babies, to the point that I only have photos and videos of memories to fill in the blanks spaces that were those years. There is so much that I just don't remember and I grieve deep down in my bones for those memories I lost.

I am older now and would love to put the wisdom and patience that age as gifted me into caring for and loving another baby. It goes without saying that these days I even have Pinterest to inspire me and help me to create the most gorgeous nursery that ever existed - although seriously that is just a bonus and nothing really at all to do with why I want another baby .... much.

Sadly I no longer have the means to create another new life.

Our obstetrician tried to talk us out of getting the snip done on the hubby, but noooo we knew better and went ahead and now over 12 months on I have some serious regrets over that decision and wish we had taken his advice and waited.

I would love to adopt a little soul that needs a loving family, but we can't afford to adopt and honestly I selfishly would not have the heart to be the foster parent to a child as I know I would fall far to deeply in love to ever give it back.

Maybe it is because my baby is turning 7 in a few weeks, maybe I am trying to recover what I lost from when my younger two were babies, or maybe it is because I am getting older and realise that this part of my life is now behind me and I miss it already more than I could ever have imagined.

I don't know why it is or if there is even any reason at all. I'm just broody and my one remaining ovary and mixed up emotions are constantly letting me know that they are not happy about being denied the opportunity to nurture another child.

Have you ever felt like this?
Did you know you were done with having any more children and have never looked back?