YES, NO, GO, I am ON THE PHONE | Life Love and Hiccups: YES, NO, GO, I am ON THE PHONE
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Monday 4 May 2015


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I am convinced that every single time I answer the phone, some kind of high frequency signal goes off that only kids can hear.

A signal that alerts the kids to the fact that if you are going to ask to go somewhere, eat something, dob on someone, punch someone, ask for a pocket money raise or help yourself to the soda stream that NOW is the time to do it because MUM IS ON THE PHONE and she is distracted and vulnerable and your chances of success are at an all time high.

Dead set, every time I am on the phone I get hand scrawled notes waved in front of me so close to my nose I can't even read them.

They put on a show of hand signalling and miming of that would seriously put that Marcel dude to shame, or one of the midgets will frantically shake something from the top shelf of the pantry in my face  - you know the top shelf where you stash the treats and food stuff that you are saving for an occasion... the stuff that the kids KNOW they are not allowed to have - whilst the other one is down on his knees in what could be innocently be mistaken as an impersonation of someone with inflamed haemorrhoids but years of experience tells me it is just his begging pose.

The routine is always the same; they wave those things in my face and I wave my hand back at them to go away.

They wave it closer to my face and then closer again until bursting with frustration I cover the mouthpiece and hiss "YESSSSSSS GOOOOOO I am ON THE PHONE" and they triumphantly slink away.

Or how about the way in which they stand there in front of me and mouth unintelligible words in complete silence, assuming that apart from my outstanding ability to telepathically know where they left their left shoe, their homework, their super rare trash pack, I also have the ability to lip read.... gobbltey gook.

So I hiss "YESSSSSSS GOOOOOOO I am ON THE PHONE" and I wave them away and they take that as I somehow understood their silent request to borrow my credit card from my wallet to buy a vintage phantom comic on Ebay... on an advance of course.

Ok so I managed to stop that one before the transaction went through but I have totally been duped into many a thing that had I not been on the phone and had they not shitted me to tears, I would in NO uncertain terms have agreed to.

I've told them not to do it.

They have told me they wont.

And yet this afternoon I once again found myself obliviously agreeing that they could smash a whole packet of Oreos AND a box of Shapes that had I not been busy in negotiations with the termite protection company I would NOT have agreed to.

Your kids do this too right?

Please tell me they do!

What have you ever unwillingly agreed to when you were on the phone?
If they aren't conning you for something, what mischief kids like to get up to when you are on a call?