If Only I Knew Then, What I Know Now! | Life Love and Hiccups: If Only I Knew Then, What I Know Now!
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Tuesday 9 April 2013

If Only I Knew Then, What I Know Now!

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So I was in a chemist the other day and I ran into an old friend of mine in the constipation and digestion aisle.

When we caught each others eye we did that totally annoying squeal come awkward cheek clashing hug that over excited woman do.

Why? What would cause two woman to behave like this in the middle of a chemist?

Surely the rows and rows of Microlax and Coloxil with added goodies wouldn't incite such behaviour?


It was because of this.

OK Mum. pick your chin up off the floor - I'm not the one up the duff.

My friend is though, and I am guessing it is either because she was chronically constipated and her brain wasn't working properly or maybe just because this is her first pregnancy, she was brave / naive enough to ask me the one question a first time pregnant mum shouldn't ask an exhausted hungry time poor mum of 3....

"So have you got any advice for a newbie Mum?"

Although I was seriously tempted to say something as atrocious as the picture above says, I knew it would be words spat out as a result of my lack off sleep and insane hunger.

So I didn't.

I showed great restraint. There is something about glowing pregnant women that takes the edge of my hungry tired psychotic mama moods and I cant help but swoon at them.

That's not to say I wasn't tempted to say "Well you know that warm feeling you imagine you will have when you hold that precious little baby? You WILL have that, only the warmth will be coming from your leaky pelvic floor.

But I didn't.

I simply gave her a hug, said something along the lines of "Congratulations, how exciting for you. Enjoy the ride!" and then left in search of something to shut my growling stomach up.

Later as I wolfed down my salmon bagel I got to thinking...

Maybe I should have been more open and honest with my old friend.

Maybe I should have told her all the things I wish someone had told me.

If only I knew then what I know now.

Like, for example;

1. Despite what they sound likeKegel exercises do not actually involve wearing Heidi plaits, a plaid dress and making God awful sounds with your voice. They are pretty important and if you do not do them - YOU WILL regret it for the rest of your life.... or at least until you finally succumb to one of those weird little pelvic floor tightening machines you have to insert to places where machinery like that should never go.

2. Sleep is so NOT overrated. When a woman finds out she is pregnant, she should immediately shop for supplies like Gummi bears and a whole years back issues of pregnancy mags, season 1 - 576 of Real Housewives of something or other,  and some super roomy PJ'S then buckle down into hibernation for 9 months. 9 months bed rest should be totally compulsory!

3. You DO NOT need a baby bath shaped like a mothers womb. Your baby will not be psychologically damaged if it is bathed in a regular baby bath or the kitchen sink even.

4. It is OK to punch people who continually touch your belly. It is not their God given right and you can totally blame your violent reaction on irrational hormones and an innate desire to protect your baby.

5. Don't waste your money on every bit of sterilizing equipment you can get your hands on. By the time you have subsequent children the ten second - 5 minute rule (a range is totally OK) will well and truly be in play.

6. Even if you are super horny from all those pregnancy hormones, DO NOT go there. You are only setting your partner up for at least 10 years of disappointment once the baby arrives.

7. Although some of the sweet baby names in your recently purchased baby name book may conjure up beautiful images in your mind of you playing with your sweet bohemian child in a field of golden sunshine and barley, the reality may be somewhat different in 13 years from now.

Case in point, you are standing on the sidelines at your teenage sons Rugby game. He has the ball and is making a break for the try line. Overwhelmed with adrenalin and pride you stand to your feet and scream "GO Moonbeam Chevron Little Elk. GO GO GO". Not cool. You will be disowned. Enough said.

8. When it comes time to pack your labour bag for the hospital, don't get too caught up in the accessories they list in the baby mags. When you are contorting with labour pain anything within reach like an oil burner filled with hot lavender oil suddenly becomes a missile that can cause great pain to your partner and it is not very ladylike to repeatedly scream 'SHUT THE FUCK UP" at the CD of calming whale sounds you thought would help you relax and focus.

9. Do not pack any food for your partner in your labour bag that may potentially make you puke when you smell it on their breath. It is NOT their fault they stink of Doritos and garlic chive dip when they are breathing all over you as they encouragingly scream PUSH. You packed that shit!

Besides, black eyes on your partner DO NOT look so great in that first family photo.

10. If you hear any strange noises or smells whilst you are in the pushing phase of labour, DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. Just ignore, you so DO NOT want to know.

I could go on for hours about this and the things I wish I knew before my kids entered different ages and phases is a whole other blog post or series.

But next time a first time pregnant woman's asks you the question "Have you got any advice for a newbie?" Go on, give her a little or a lot .... depending on how much sleep you had the night before or how hungry you are.

Throw her a lifeline. She WILL thank you one day and pass the legacy on

What advice did you wish someone had told you when you were pregnant?
What would you tell a first time pregnant mum if she dared to ask you the question?

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